Hoping to grow wings
to fly high into hearts
with laughs looking
Never down – Up like stars
Up Up and away
I am very aware of my shift away from my Yang excessive life. The world around me has continually grown into a dominated environment. I was more than confidant that I could maintain my energy and step up more and more. Taking on several jobs, juggling children, home keeping, teaching, studying, socializing and grabbing a long luxurious shower every once in a while. I was forced to shift my perspective by moving away from everything I had created, and with the opportunity to start over again, I found by chance a Yin yoga session…of course it only took one to speak to me, to reveal my deepest needs.
So I have since been learning to balance my life and my inner energy, to lessen my routines, dive into my rhythm and learning more and more about my moments of mindfulness. I therefore have begun to create the most beautiful and energizing life. I am content to be here in the now learning that the space inside me need not be so activated, that softness is gifting me with the most precious of avenues to feel more fluid than ever before. I recognise the chakra imbalance or over working, in its critical junction. Surley the most earthing of realms is the body. I am barefoot more often, and i am drawn to the moon, all things I am learning or craving to learn, are dropping in my lap. I am like a greedy kid institutionalized by sickness from overindulgence. My hindsight isn’t even waiting to be retrospect. The spiritual seeker in me is finally learning to wait and realizing that grabbing at it, wont gift it to me. I am touched learning more about Yin Yoga. I feel its alignment and justification in my life, so deeply.
Learning to trust your introspection when you are an extrovert, the life of a party, the outwardly spoken and flamboyant one is a big deal. Understanding that the silence in a room can enhance your inner radar, finely tuning the scope of your nurturer and soul provider. Providing yourself with less logic, less force on issues in life. Learning to be at ease and seek an intuitive feel for your choices. Somewhere in the dark there, somewhere in the huge space that is US. Learning that ‘space’ is not meant to be huge, it can just be the distance between the cell walls of your organs, the microscopic space left for the water that IS us. The fluid nature of our microbiome. It is in these spaces we heal and grow, we duplicate and understand from our subtle indicators. In the hope that our natural rhythms are tuning into our great mother earth and that we as beings of this Earth have combined our balance, (our Yin into our Yang) with hers and are seeking the ability to support her sustainability, choosing to respect and honour ALL beings that live upon her.
A personal lesson I’m sharing with my children is the one of creative guidance. Yes, yes we colour more, craft more, glue & stick so that we gather more joy from making things out of junk and leaves and other artworks left under the bed to gather dust. But its the unschooled lessons of grabbing the moment to create. To indulge in the passion you fuel with your imagination. Teaching them that there’s no time like the present. Yes, it’s hard when we get to the end of the day and I wish I had said “clean as we go”, or “lets pack this up before we start that”. Here is the balance. Again I am joyful in recognising how to interject the yang routine of my old ways with the flourishing borderless collages of our life moments. I see the ties to my childhood and how the value of change and empowerment of growth is always ebbing to the shore. Ready to be recognised, loved & accepted.
Unconditional compassion … FULL STOP, is the base, the springboard for my family. Myself and children are vegans and the code (epigenetics baby) we create may not suit my partner but we will have compassion for his choices and continually seek to embrace his ideals as right for him. It isn’t easy living with friction nor discordant values, but the balance will continually be restored with compassion. Unconditional. Yin reminds us of the barriers that logic creates. Judgement creates loss. Mindfulness absorbs & dissipates the need to control.
Recently asked how can I support my INNER GODDESS more?
By remaining true to my word. By carefully steering myself away from routines that I sometimes believe make life easier. My choices to stay true to my exploration, my intuitive resources. By stimulating my personal fires of creation, by remaining fluid and recognising the silence as the music for that moment.
My everyday rituals that will nurture my INNER GODDESS will be cooking with more passion, not chore fuelled. Putting aside time to write and create music. Wake up and look into my own eyes and say
*I love you.
*I am safe.
*I allow others to take responsibility for themselves.
*I create realistic expectations.
*It is safe for me to move forward in my life with confidence & enthusiam.
*It is safe for me to enjoy my life now.
*I am whole and complete.
*I am present in each moment
I feel that if I allow my Yang energy to take over again there will be a ridgid wall between myself and my children. There will be feelings of neglect and resentment toward my partner. I will most certainly be the one (tho not the only one mind you) to suffer at the hands of my controlling nature. My OCD will undoubtly return and my children will feel the imbalance of their worlds as I try to cram my routines into their free and creative childhoods. I honestly feel that there is no return, when you know better you do better.
Taking the spotlight
Nervous I swallow
You need me to begin
A story that hurts to speak
I do so wish I could sing
Pretty melodies mask the dark
Rummaging around my mind
It was clear
Like a cloudless night
Lighting my heart
Lifting my vision
To the very beginning
To where the world sat waiting
For the night to end
Fighting the heavy lids
Wanting the eyes to rest
The show, oh how the show
Just kept on spinning
The silence screamed at me
Where are you?
Is your heart clean?
The beat is strong
It just needs a song.
The words that clamp your soul
Let the artist out
Novice star you are
Waiting to begin
It has a beat
To flicker in universes
Amongst dangerous ears
What has kept me silent
Is what now begs
Me to reveal
Often I reminisce about my days of opening boxes of new music. Running my fingers over album covers and special edition films. Hours trawling new release sheets and researching label additions. My first real job, at a local record store was, to say the least, a low key affair.
Even though it was a popular QLD chain, our old shop front was run down, quaint, crammed, hidden in a mall and was cigarette smoke filled (my boss was allowed to smoke in the lunch chair, which was a fold up number, behind a hastely made – video display cabinate – we weren’t prepared for the success of VHS – so lunch times meant the entire shop had a couple of ciggies with her!) ahhh those were the days. We were the only suburban store at that time to sell second-hand vinyl. The head office store was a split level, downstairs second-hand, upstairs all new and big enough to have seperate departments.
Some lunch times were spent flicking through people’s record collections gauging how much of a score we just grabbed. I had to learn to lie to peoples faces. Poker face required when quoting the deal. You may have just seen an original Beatles White album or a signed Travelling Wilburies but your face had to say ‘oh another Beatles’ or ‘mmmm, I’m not sure we can sell all of these, but I’ll give you $50 for the lot ok? ‘ knowing we could put $40 on the Rolling Stones lmt ed. it was tough to not get excited when Led Zeppelin popped up in a collection of Hooked On Classics & Startell series.
I eventually got good at & loved trading the second hand stuff. I would always pay too much – because I knew I would end up paying full price for my vinyl choices. The discount back then was the best I’ve ever had. Cost plus 10% .. so I didn’t mind paying a Lil extra for the gems we would buy in.
Your first job opens you mind to a whole new world – that’s for sure. But young innocent me wasn’t ready for the industry events and Rep visits. I was so FRESH! Gobbling up every bit of attention and steered into the haze of it all. Fun for sure, but if certainly distracted me from my dreams, goals and hopes. I ended up working in music retail for over 20yrs. From the burbs to the big city, from the ground roots chain to the big money chains. To the overseas flagships to watch an international bankruptcy trickle down to all sections. Branch to branch, county to country. It was sad to see the industry dieing a slow death. I loved music, I loved introducing new artists to people, new sounds, bringing people together and meeting fellow lovers of culture. I do honestly miss the days where you didn’t have to add on, talk up, merchandise & back up, feature crap artists from wank ARIA charts. Back in the day when your rep would come in with tickets to Placebo, Perect Circle or Damien Rice. They would give you their new samples, we would make them tea and buy cake & chat while serving customers and doing returns. The real deals were made. If we didn’t like it, we didn’t stock it. (We did if our fave artist was touring and we wanted a ticket 😉
Walking into music retail stores are hard to do these days. I want to fix the shelves. Adjust signage and be the assistant helping the customer I can see struggling, questioning. You overhear answers that are lazy and/or ignorant.
It’s hard. But sometimes I do it.
Today I did it at JB HIFI. The sole survivor of real retail chains. Indépendants are scarce. (& easy to enter) they warrant an elitist attitude. They’ve earnt it.
*more on this in another blog
Today I found a 99c bin. Today I found tons of gems. I was keen to dig for hours until I realised my 4yo son was dancing to Noiseworks, so grabbing a couple of discs, I steered them to the counter and reconised the expression on the staff members face – appreciating my children, not touching the gift cards, pulling the flyers off the counter or screaming, or demanding anything. He smiled and was attentive and joked about the 99c bin. I felt at home. I felt proud to know that we had made his day, and helped his to-do-list fade away for a minute. We spoke about the future of discs, the certainty of vinyl and longevity of hands on music stores.
Stardust floated from me and anchored to you.
Like a kite anchored to the knot of your soul.
Where it has been strung before.
Eternity, upon eternity.
Be still, my heart.
The earth to open and swallow me whole.
I knew this.
My heart to break, in all the right places.
Yes, I knew.
The moment I encountered You,
I knew I’d love you anyway.
I could foresee the soft shards,
I knew I’d love you anyway.
Blades of softness,
I knew I’d love you anyway.
My parallel one,
I knew I’d love you anyway.
All that I have seen in me, I see in you,
I knew I’d love you anyway.
Look into my eyes, I am full of you.
I knew I’d love you anyway
Every goodbye you ever said
….said all at once.
If I never see you again, I will carry you.
On the inside.
On the outside.
On my fingertips.
Words on paper.
The edges of my brain.
In my centre of centres.
My fire. Your fire. The fire.
Within the what I am, of what remains.
This is how I have carried you.
Life will break you, if you let it my parallel one.
Don’t let it.
Like a gnarling claw reaching, to draw out your darkness.
Go to that place that I know you will go.
I continue my bow into the womb of the mother.
Humble. I bow to the Walk. This Walk.
I continue the Walk.
My soul veiled in the fingerprints of yours.
…in a place, a juxtapose plane, a proximal universe, always…… xx
today i promise to remember grace, following the beat of my heart
let it be slow and kind to each rising moment
as i readily swallow what life has for me to drink
i crumble some days remembering me
forgetting i learned the hardest lessons without my parents guide
i forget to puff out my chest and forward the notes from my past into the right here and now
surely its good to take stock of the messy mistakes i made along the way
i may not be proud of how i handled myself some days..heck even some years.
these feathers have weathered some storms
I’ve circled the pond over n over neglecting the clean deep centre
without recognising the swampy mush i wadded through to be here today
for the lives that i have muddied, that i have tarnished
today i shall remember that everyone has a chosen set of lessons
that they have to climb upon and scream across the plains to be heard
the roar of our lives is shudderingly sweet and comparably quintessent in the shimmering speck of moonlight
a hazy draft that spills down for us..spinning round and round like the orbits of our eyes
never to shun anothers knowledge nor advance my worth by their lack
never to greed for the things i do not own or never need
never ever to miss a beat of my truth, throbbing in the shadows
i promise to bring my goods out for all to see, and know that they are worthy
in the reeds i may have feared
rippling out from deep with in
today I promise that my inner child will be free always
the black swan she shall no longer be
when light spreads across the sky
bringing fools before their lie
helpless foals tremble in fear
is the grass wet? lets run my dear
mimic the dawn this very day
sprinkle dew on the words i say
abandon the darkness as it leaves
fall into my chest now as it heaves
hook me like a fish in a net
unwrap my clothes so as not to forget
the set of my eyes cast upon you
tempered and fragile like you always knew
let this sunrise soak our skin
bright and bare,out and within
I’ve cried to sleep for this
aching for our slow attentive kiss
hundreds of days did pass
winds that stole my 1/2full glass
empty me of what was left alone
tides that steal shores they don’t own
come and come and come again
like the song of a silver winged wren
I forget you are only 10
I neglect that you need your mother hen
Just as much as he
I can not sometimes see
The distance I put between us
I want so dearly to have time to fuss
Time to say slow down
Walk around this town
& say it all again
Because never ever will you be ten
Never again this moment for us
Tonight it’s hit me like a bus
I miss you so dearly
I fear that I’m nearly
Pushing you away
I need you today
I need our hands together
Like the strands of a feather
But never untuck
From our firm thread
The busy roads in my head
Forget to pause on your face
Like the finest of lace
You are my sweetest design
I promise to realign
I adore you with every beat of my heart – I never long to part x
Tonight I said goodnight to my ten year old daughter forever. Tomorrow she wakes as an eleven year old. She is my EVERYTHING, one of a kind, yes we all say it, yes we all mean it, yes, we have ways to back it….but you can have yours, I’ve got the sweetest 11yo to be in all the world. Tucked up in bed after sharing crepes & smoothies with her cousins, life long friends and friends found in past lives.
We celebrated with cake last week too, as you do, when you meet people quite special in your new town …
.but you can never have enough cake right?
And if you want kids to sit still for a photo..give them props!
I remember my friends from this age, and by far, the grace and pleasantries of these girls far outshines what I had and what I was able to maintain.
Born days apart and four years of living 100’s of miles apart, the gentle ease of knowing each other slipped silently across the afternoon. These, once ‘week old’ babes laying on the floor together, now hold conversations like we mamas once did, laugh at each other’s funny faces and write beautiful (tear wrenching) cards & letters to each other.
I can’t wait to see her face light up with joy – present joy – not just because I told her that she was only getting one from each of us, but because she deserves the world.
She will remember this year, not only as the one her Papa was deployed, but as the one she shone bright enough for him to see, despite the glare of the desert.
My EVERYTHING … You have got this. You have the whole world.