unrolling the mat in my mind

W I L L I N G T O O P E N 


Finding a home 
now that I’m alone 
meant a softer heart 
with a fresher start 
I’ve lifted my game 
I’m filled with no shame
for anything I’ve done
as everything I’ve become
is the product of learning 
on this earth turning 
tilting to look at a moon 
eyes close to feel the resume
always to embrace the new 
Heart walls dabbed with glue
finding this landscape 
ain’t a piece of cake 
but a land worth fighting for 
a space worth more and more 



when I was your world 

our language was sensation 

Once aggressively toned
Or misfired resentment 

Task defined.

you took photos for her 

on retreats that laced my heart 

With everything pretty 

A family should be 


Now building

etching the future 

as distance looms 

carved into each night.

Somewhere in my 3Am heart 

notices my fear of you straying again.

Weeks to count & fill with tasks

hours to blend by hemming the end 

of this little reality 

with promises 

all will be ok.

The big picture is here

the plan is in place – all is ok

Ok is all.

What not of 

if we fall


out of connect.

Out of control 

with planning 

for safety. Sureness






Bluntly I converse 

with myself 

that I can be it all again.

Whom else should I believe but the one who has the truth. 

The one who has not slept on it. 

Who has not slept…

She who has a plan – a professional plan

to rearrange anxiety 

A plan to be everything 

that she believes. 


Some say a victim 

Some say a fraud

Some are blood 

Some are stardust 

8 limbs taught her to recognise 

both Are One.

She is strong because she is honest 

Some are scared of truth.

Like the 3Am heart 

beating so loud 

it woke the interlect.

The lobes 

that forgot how to love.

The imminent truth that falls from the symbols in wake 

That float to the heart when one is couragous enough to seek.

Sensations speak 

louder than his snore.

She will adore before it steers 

toward northern skies.

A king single to untuck 

the bachelors drum will beat till 3.

Until it matches a tempo from long ago

a blue box serenade 

a rooftop view & never 

a promise of always.

She waits for the end of this chapter 

to embrace the seeds …. the seeds of change 

their change. 


Always hers. 




freedom to grow, know and show 

show his family 

He captures frames 

in stardust and trust 

Gifting the debt

in the plight of delight

I curse you not in my sight

blending across the night

this heart wants to fight


 when she gives in to the remote class

To serve sexist faces joking about her ass

15 minutes ain’t for fame

but crying away in shame

is it better she blogs out of fear

instead of your table to clear

she says the same things true

but no longer needs to smile at you



not in my sight

This night

To fight



Plastered by five wishing for midnights

Some kinda twilight where no one fights 

Horizons scope seizing the face 

This planet hides us from space 

Like a cashed up till under the bench 

Just out of reach from a poor stench 

Wafting faces turning toward them

Gravely judging how it will end 

Dark glasses can’t hide the death

Oozing from this decade ill spent 

Swirling on lit up tiles 

Doused in heavy beat files 

Splendid fancies sag and tire 

Gaining self respect in chemical dire

Sunrise from the gutter 

A senseless continual mutter 

Sometimes poignent craft 

Abolished by the vaguely daft 

Rememberance of slimey skin 

When a growl grows thin 

The false circle dissolves 

Paranoia resolves 

As distant as the fading stars 

They wander home through cars 



  Via osmosis – you become the beauty –

it is instilled in you –

floating in the watery womb – 

you are all but love 




we seek to always return – 

By surrounding 

we indulge –

devour –

nourish –

create – 

compose –

share – 


Up Up



Open eyes cry catipillars

Hoping to grow wings 

to fly high into hearts 

Bridging oceans 
with laughs looking

Never down – Up like stars 
Up Up and away 

Yin things

I am very aware of my shift away from my Yang excessive life. The world around me has continually grown into a dominated environment. I was more than confidant that I could maintain my energy and step up more and more. Taking on several jobs, juggling children, home keeping, teaching, studying, socializing and grabbing a long luxurious shower every once in a while. I was forced to shift my perspective by moving away from everything I had created, and with the opportunity to start over again, I found by chance a Yin yoga session…of course it only took one to speak to me, to reveal my deepest needs.
 So I have since been learning to balance my life and my inner energy, to lessen my routines, dive into my rhythm and learning more and more about my moments of mindfulness. I therefore have begun to create the most beautiful and energizing life. I am content to be here in the now learning that the space inside me need not be so activated, that softness is gifting me with the most precious of avenues to feel more fluid than ever before. I recognise the chakra imbalance or over working, in its critical junction. Surley the most earthing of realms is the body. I am barefoot more often, and i am drawn to the moon, all things I am learning or craving to learn, are dropping in my lap. I am like a greedy kid institutionalized by sickness from overindulgence. My hindsight isn’t even waiting to be retrospect. The spiritual seeker in me is finally learning to wait and realizing that grabbing at it, wont gift it to me. I am touched learning more about Yin Yoga. I feel its alignment and justification in my life, so deeply.

Learning to trust your introspection when you are an extrovert, the life of a party, the outwardly spoken and flamboyant one is a big deal. Understanding that the silence in a room can enhance your inner radar, finely tuning the scope of your nurturer and soul provider. Providing yourself with less logic, less force on issues in life. Learning to be at ease and seek an intuitive feel for your choices. Somewhere in the dark there, somewhere in the huge space that is US. Learning that ‘space’ is not meant to be huge, it can just be the distance between the cell walls of your organs, the microscopic space left for the water that IS us. The fluid nature of our microbiome. It is in these spaces we heal and grow, we duplicate and understand from our subtle indicators. In the hope that our natural rhythms are tuning into our great mother earth and that we as beings of this Earth have combined our balance, (our Yin into our Yang) with hers and are seeking the ability to support her sustainability, choosing to respect and honour ALL beings that live upon her.

A personal lesson I’m sharing with my children is the one of creative guidance. Yes, yes we colour more, craft more, glue & stick so that we gather more joy from making things out of junk and leaves and other artworks left under the bed to gather dust. But its the unschooled lessons of grabbing the moment to create. To indulge in the passion you fuel with your imagination. Teaching them that there’s no time like the present. Yes, it’s hard when we get to the end of the day and I wish I had said “clean as we go”, or “lets pack this up before we start that”. Here is the balance. Again I am joyful in recognising how to interject the yang routine of my old ways with the flourishing borderless collages of our life moments. I see the ties to my childhood and how the value of change and empowerment of growth is always ebbing to the shore. Ready to be recognised, loved & accepted.

Unconditional compassion … FULL STOP, is the base, the springboard for my family. Myself and children are vegans and the code (epigenetics baby) we create may not suit my partner but we will have compassion for his choices and continually seek to embrace his ideals as right for him. It isn’t easy living with friction nor discordant values, but the balance will continually be restored with compassion. Unconditional. Yin reminds us of the barriers that logic creates. Judgement creates loss. Mindfulness absorbs & dissipates the need to control.

Recently asked how can I support my INNER GODDESS more? 

By remaining true to my word. By carefully steering myself away from routines that I sometimes believe make life easier. My choices to stay true to my exploration, my intuitive resources. By stimulating my personal fires of creation, by remaining fluid and recognising the silence as the music for that moment.
My everyday rituals that will nurture my INNER GODDESS will be cooking with more passion, not chore fuelled. Putting aside time to write and create music. Wake up and look into my own eyes and say

*I love you.

*I am safe.

*I allow others to take responsibility for themselves.

*I create realistic expectations.

*It is safe for me to move forward in my life with confidence & enthusiam.

*It is safe for me to enjoy my life now.

*I am whole and complete.

*I am present in each moment
I feel that if I allow my Yang energy to take over again there will be a ridgid wall between myself and my children. There will be feelings of neglect and resentment toward my partner. I will most certainly be the one (tho not the only one mind you) to suffer at the hands of my controlling nature. My OCD will undoubtly return and my children will feel the imbalance of their worlds as I try to cram my routines into their free and creative childhoods. I honestly feel that there is no return, when you know better you do better.

The gift 

Taking the spotlight 
Nervous I swallow 
You need me to begin 
A story that hurts to speak
I do so wish I could sing
Pretty melodies mask the dark 
Rummaging around my mind 
It was clear 
Like a cloudless night 
Lighting my heart 
Lifting my vision 
To the very beginning
To where the world sat waiting 
For the night to end 
Fighting the heavy lids
Wanting the eyes to rest
The show, oh how the show 
Just kept on spinning 
The silence screamed at me 
Where are you?
Is your heart clean?
The beat is strong 
It just needs a song. 
Perhaps paint
The words that clamp your soul 
Paint anyway 
Let the artist out
Novice star you are
Waiting to begin 
The story
The song 
It has a beat
To flicker in universes 
Amongst dangerous ears
Loud tongues
Cold hearts 
What has kept me silent 
Is what now begs 
Me to reveal


The Retail Days 

 Often I reminisce about my days of opening boxes of new music. Running my fingers over album covers and special edition films. Hours trawling new release sheets and researching label additions. My first real job, at a local record store was, to say the least, a low key affair. 
Even though it was a popular QLD chain, our old shop front was run down, quaint, crammed, hidden in a mall and was cigarette smoke filled (my boss was allowed to smoke in the lunch chair, which was a fold up number, behind a hastely made – video display cabinate – we weren’t prepared for the success of VHS – so lunch times meant the entire shop had a couple of ciggies with her!) ahhh those were the days. We were the only suburban store at that time to sell second-hand vinyl. The head office store was a split level, downstairs second-hand, upstairs all new and big enough to have seperate departments. 

Some lunch times were spent flicking through people’s record collections gauging how much of a score we just grabbed. I had to learn to lie to peoples faces. Poker face required when quoting the deal. You may have just seen an original Beatles White album or a signed Travelling Wilburies but your face had to say ‘oh another Beatles’ or ‘mmmm, I’m not sure we can sell all of these, but I’ll give you $50 for the lot ok? ‘ knowing we could put $40 on the Rolling Stones lmt ed. it was tough to not get excited when Led Zeppelin popped up in a collection of Hooked On Classics & Startell series. 

I eventually got good at & loved trading the second hand stuff. I would always pay too much – because I knew I would end up paying full price for my vinyl choices. The discount back then was the best I’ve ever had. Cost plus 10% .. so I didn’t mind paying a Lil extra for the gems we would buy in. 

Your first job opens you mind to a whole new world – that’s for sure. But young innocent me wasn’t ready for the industry events and Rep visits. I was so FRESH! Gobbling up every bit of attention and steered into the haze of it all. Fun for sure, but if certainly distracted me from my dreams, goals and hopes. I ended up working in music retail for over 20yrs. From the burbs to the big city, from the ground roots chain to the big money chains. To the overseas flagships to watch an international bankruptcy trickle down to all sections. Branch to branch, county to country. It was sad to see the industry dieing a slow death. I loved music, I loved introducing new artists to people, new sounds, bringing people together and meeting fellow lovers of culture. I do honestly miss the days where you didn’t have to add on, talk up, merchandise & back up, feature crap artists from wank ARIA charts. Back in the day when your rep would come in with tickets to Placebo, Perect Circle or Damien Rice. They would give you their new samples, we would make them tea and buy cake & chat while serving customers and doing returns. The real deals were made. If we didn’t like it, we didn’t stock it. (We did if our fave artist was touring and we wanted a ticket 😉 

Walking into music retail stores are hard to do these days. I want to fix the shelves. Adjust signage and be the assistant helping the customer I can see struggling, questioning. You overhear answers that are lazy and/or ignorant. 

It’s hard. But sometimes I do it. 

Today I did it at JB HIFI. The sole survivor of real retail chains. Indépendants are scarce. (& easy to enter) they warrant an elitist attitude. They’ve earnt it. 

*more on this in another blog

Today I found a 99c bin. Today I found tons of gems. I was keen to dig for hours until I realised my 4yo son was dancing to Noiseworks, so grabbing a couple of discs, I steered them to the counter and reconised the expression on the staff members face – appreciating my children, not touching the gift cards, pulling the flyers off the counter or screaming, or demanding anything. He smiled and was attentive and joked about the 99c bin. I felt at home. I felt proud to know that we had made his day, and helped his to-do-list fade away for a minute. We spoke about the future of discs, the certainty of vinyl and longevity of hands on music stores. 

The drive home was the best expression of a dollar deal I’ve ever had. 

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