I go about my day, leaning where I can, because physically I actually need help. I actually feel weak when I listen to my lonely heart. I have to hold the bench or door frame, shower wall or sink …. I often get swept out to a sea of overwhelmingly hot confusion. I love being able to miss you & glorify our epic ability to actually make this work. I think we rock (hardcore) but I also think we’re effin mad! My physical weakness & mental blackouts at time shock me. How good a parent am I being if my body is kinda slapping me back into realty from time to time? I am driven by love. Keeping love the theme for everything the kids & I explore, the base for what we, as their parents, are trying to achieve. LOVE for each other in this case, that has survived the years & lane changes, adjusted to career moves & interstate stressEs, has reduced itself to a low flame, proving that nothing, full of hard core flames, can last. The slow burn is so industrious & sensual, so real and recognisable. Like a huge menu that demands to be read & spoken of before ordering. We have a buffet of stories & lessons — but nothing, NOTHING is as drenched in learning as this meal on our plate right now. This offering, this choice. This situation we have chosen. Were all the options rinsed out. Were all the plans thought through? Did we truely discuss what pulling the pin on it would do?? Pulling the pin. That’s what my heart wants to do. It wants to run away and hid behind tombstones, waiting to be found in an afternoon game of hide n seek. My heart wants you to turn up at the door with all your things & say ‘that’s it, I’m done! We are starting over!’ My heart wants every weekend to be soberly walking new dirt with you. My heart wants to fall asleep beside you each night, knowing we will stir with the others dream cycle in the early hours. When it rains, my heart wants my hand to find yours. When the moon is halved, my heart asks my words to be those that invite you outside to view the drenching perspective.
Right now my heart wants to give up being brave & just wants to wave a little white flag … no one else has to see, just you. To know deep down that no matter how big our plans are – without you by my side they feel so small and futile.
Without you, no story, no journey, no meal, no drive, no clean sheets or fresh paste mouth ever really matters. It’s just another thing I do without you.
Without you, I can’t live.